Relationship Advice
In my work, I am often asked to give people advice about relationships. I have been 
fortunate in my life to have a lot of excellent advisers who have helped me with my own understanding and relationships; I try to pass that along when I can to my clients. I do not claim to be an expert on relationships, but time and time again I run into the same issues, themes, and questions when I’m working with folks from all over the world, so I thought it might be helpful to share some of them.
1.) A relationship will not “complete” you. Contrary to what the pop songs, romantic movies, and love poems, and so forth tell us; a love, even a “true love” or soul mate is not going to solve all your problems. The most functional and happiest relationships are between two people who are whole, not two half people that come together to make one.
2.) Jealousy does not equal love. Granted we all may have pangs of jealousy from time to time, but if your partner does not make a fuss every time you are around another person, that does not mean that he or she doesn’t love you – and by the same token just because someone is jealous, that doesn’t mean that they do love you.
3.) One of the hardest things about life, love, and relationships is that sometimes our time scales are mismatched. You might be ready for “him/her,” and longing to have her/him in your life in the way that you want them to be there; but if s/he’s not ready, you can’t MAKE them be ready. The relationship can only move at the speed of the least ready person’s time scale. You don’t have to agonize over this, but you do have to accept it. Non-acceptance of this will not only cause you pain, it can end a relationship before it starts!
4.) Violence in relationships is nearly without exception a major problem and a serious danger signal when it happens. Particularly if there is a pattern of control, where your partner tries-regularly – to get you to do what they want regardless of your needs or desires. When or if this happens to you, know that you are not alone. There are specialists all over the world who understand this type of situation, and who are ready, willing, and able to help you. It’s important to take this seriously when it happens. Don’t try to go it alone if you are in fear of your partner. Get help. Today.
5.) Communication is for many of us (myself included at times) one of the most difficult parts of life and relating. However, it’s key. Couples who communicate well – and respectfully – are much more likely to last. Also, the tone of your communications is important, too. Studies have shown that in long-lasting relationships, the ratio of positive things said to each other is about five to one. (five positive things for every one negative thing.) If you find yourself with a reversed ratio, give that some thought. Why is it happening? Regardless, you must talk to your partner, and communicate. Otherwise, why be together, at all?
6.) Trust is another aspect of relating that is basically non-negotiable. Yes, trust can be violated to some degree on occasions even in good relationships. But if you find that you simply can’t trust your partner, or if they don’t trust you – and working on it doesn’t make a difference… it is near certain that your relationship is simply not going to last. You can make a deliberate choice to trust someone. Many people have difficulty trusting due to being hurt in the past, and so they don’t trust their current partners in a vain attempt to keep from being hurt again. The fact is; you can get hurt again. But even if you do – you will live. Which leads to the final theme here:
7.) It is simply not possible to have a real relationship where you are “not vulnerable to possibly being emotionally hurt” to some degree. Relationship and vulnerability go hand in hand. If you are not willing to be vulnerable, if you have any relationship at all, it is going to be very superficial at best. It can be hard to be vulnerable to someone, but once you accomplish it, and are met with love in return, it is one of the sweetest aspects that life has to offer. Yes, you’re scared. That’s normal. Be vulnerable anyway. That’s bravery.
I hope that you find these helpful. There were about ten million others I could have brought up. Which ones have been most useful to you? What are the most important ones I left out? Do tell. We are all in this life together, and sharing and helping each other, is what it is all about.
